Oh Hey There Stranger!

What's going on with me..

I started school and I'm loving it.. Although it is only the first week. Bio's my favorite class.. I can't keep myself out of the lab. (=

I'm also job hunting.. Which I'm not loving so much.

I'm living up in Templeton and helping Ian get all settled into the house.. It's taking forever! And technically I can't decorate w/o him until I learn how to use the stud finder, which he won't teach me how to use so that I can't decorate without him. Hmm.. I think I get it.

Also.. In regards to the new house.. I've been taking full advantage of using the new kitchen and have been cooking up a storm. The highlight of my days. Except I always end up cooking for 4 instead of 2.. Not such a big deal when Ian usually eats for 3 1/2.

I'm working on my books.. One is almost finished! EEK! I'm trying to figure out how I go about getting an agent for this.

I'm SERIOUSLY thinking about dying my hair a little bit blonder.. Maybe some highlights? I just wish it was long again.. Maybe I should start taking pills to help it grow.

Ian and I are heading up to SF for the night and I'm SO excited.. It's one of my favorite places to spend the weekend! I hope it's chilly!

I'm 100% obsessed with Pandora and all of the new music it's given me! I want to make 10932783 new cd's.

Anndddd yeah that's about it. Just getting settled into this new life up here in Templeton with these crazy dogs and my crazier best friend. I have yet to begin missing LA.

In August it will be a year since I've been down in LA. The deal I had with Ian is that in a year I would re evaluate how well I've done down there and from there figure out if I was going to move back to SLO or not. I go back and forth SO often and with this new house in Templeton it's even harder to justify staying down there!
I've gotten some good work with my agencies.. But nothing really big or great. I have yet to get a campaign.. I did get an editorial spread which is pretty exciting. I guess I feel like I haven't done as great as I expected.
I love living in LA. I love having my independence down there, I have a great job and I'm looking forward to going back to school @ SMC. I have a fun roommate and a cute new apartment.. There's so much to do down there. The only thing missing is Ian. If he was there I would have no doubts that that's where I need to be. But now he just bought this new house..
The one thing holding me really back is that I feel like there's nothing for me to do in SLO. But if I lived in Templeton I could get my real estate schooling done.. Get a job pouring at a winery could be fun.. Or maybe at a cute wine bar in Paso.. I'm just scared that I'd get back here and be bored and regretful within a months time. I would like to be back closer to our families, have people over for dinner, be able to see everyone on a weekly basis. And Chico is so happy here.. Running around all day with Porsche on all the property. Having a buddy to hang out with.. It's the cutest thing ever. He loves his sister.
I don't know. I feel really confused!!!

Life's been crazy busy. I'm living with a new roommate and I'm having a lot of fun.. But I can't help feeling like my time is kind of coming to an end in LA. I don't know.. I'm working a lot and I've gotten all my things together to go back to school.. But I just feel over it. I probably need to just stick it out.. Stay focused on my path and make things happen. Everything always falls into place.
I lost an amazing woman this week. A lot of us did. Zeena Wathen was like a second mom to me, and to the rest of my family, and she will be missed so incredibly much. I can't tell if I'm going through shock or denial or what. Sometimes I break down, other times I'm 100% fine. Most of the time lately I feel like I just want to be on my own and think about old memories and work everything out myself. I'm very grateful, though, that I got to spend this week with my family.
I miss you Jess and 'm really worried about you and I hope you'll call me any time you're feeling really lost.

Other than that, I don't really know what to say. I'm feeling really sad and lost without our Yaya momma.
Yayas and Yayettes forever. Love you always Z.

Sometimes I have a hard time focusing on myself and my own needs. I get so caught up in what other people think I should be doing.. I get scared of letting people down. Today was a really tough day and when I reflect back I realize that I just need to listen to what I want and eventually things will work out. If I go around following everyone else's plans than I'm never going to live a happy and fulfilling life. I don't want to be 50 and miserable.
Along with this I want to focus on being the best person, friend, sister, daughter, girlfriend I can be. I want to be a better person in every way possible, to everyONE possible.. Starting with myself. I think it's time to do some real self searching!
I'm just tired of worrying so much about everyone else.. But I think that this is something that I can't change about myself and I just have to figure out how to find some balance. I also think that this is all a lot easier said than done.
I don't know.. I can't figure out where I'm going with all of this!

TINAAA

(Picture thanks to ASH!)

I'm so incredibly happy and thankful for this guy. He's my best friend in the world and I can't imagine life without him. I guess being around his family this weekend and Rob and Jen, and Ash and Garrett and Parkie made me realize that I'm so ready to settle down and start my life with him. I mean, I think I've known for a while that this was coming but I really feel READY. I'm so so SO looking forward to coming home to him and OUR house and our life. And to traveling and starting a family and getting more dogs (yes please!). And to just settling down. I feel really over the going out scene.. I don't really see the point in it anymore and I guess I just want to grow up and start the rest of my life. I want to come home at night and have a glass of wine and cook dinner and watch the history channel with my dog and my boyfriend and just be boring. I'm so happy being boring!

On the subject of starting.. I start personal training tomorrow and I have a feeling I'm going to get my butt KICKED. We did 15 minutes of tests last week and I could barely laugh without shooting pains in my abs. I'm nervous! I'm ready to get serious about this modeling and getting in shape. I'm giving myself until December down here.. And if things haven't started picking up than I'm moving home. I just feel like that's a good last shot at everything.. Then I'll be able to say that I really focused and tried and gave it my all. I think it's going to be a lot harder than I'm expecting, though. I wish Ian would just move here. Problems solved! I wish it was that easy..

It already smells like rain. It was 70 degrees today and all of the sudden the storm rolled in and I can already smell the rain. I love it.

I'm so lonely. I talk to my friends in SLO and they're all having a great time and partying and doin fun things.. And I think about my life and how all I do is work and sit around this house and I feel really bad about that. I Know I just need to make some LA friends but it's so hard when I'm not in school or working a normal job.
I want to try and take this time and fully dedicate myself to the gym and my body and improving my life mentally and physically. Maybe I'll meet friends at the gym. It's just that I even get jealous of Ian. It's so silly and I can't even believe it but I do!! He told me he's having boys night and when I'd usually be happy for him I just got really down about the fact that I'm going to just have a glass of wine and stay in alone. I wish I was okay with that but I'm just not right now. I really want friends to go out and do fun things with.

I guess things will get better.. He'll move here or I'll move home and things will work themselves out. I just don't know what to do with myself in the meantime! Oye.

I'm so TIRED of everything.

I'm tired of apartment hunting.
The fact that I packed up my whole house b/c I thought I was moving today and now have to UNPACK makes me irritated. The fact that I have THREE days to find a place makes me stressed.
I'm tired of always trying to count on people when everyone just lets me down. How many times have I told myself that the only person I can count on is ME. And how many times do I prove this right.. I can't get it through my head. I'm so frustrated with myself.
What am I going to do? Seriously. I have two days to find a place no money for a deposit and no money saved up. I've screwed myself yet again.
I'm really coming to realize that the only person I can count on is myself. And that's really not saying much. It's so hard when you think you have someone you can count on to help you out and they prove to be quite the opposite.. It's really disappointing.
Realizing that I'm all I have is even scarier.. I really need to get my shit together. I've got to get things working for me MY way.. Which is hard but I need to just come to terms with the fact that this is how it is and this is how it's going to be. And I need to straighten myself up so I can really make this work.

I don't like the person that I am so I'm really trying to change. It's just that bad habits are the hardest to kick and I seem to have a lot of them. I try to look at myself from an outside perspective and I really hate me.. Changing is just so hard but I think I'm ready for it. I think that if I'm able to move out on my own this might just be possible. I think I'm ready to try.
But I've also come to the conclusion that I'm very self destructive (not physically) and this is also something that I'm trying to overcome. I CAN NOT see myself succeed it's something that I've struggled with for a while.. Whenever things are going good I find a way to sabotage them and get myself in some sort of predicament. I think I'm afraid that if I let myself work too hard towards a goal and I fail I'll realize that I'm not really capable of anything and that's something that I'm scared to face. I know I'd rather give up than try and fail at something. That's so wrong.

I'm so angry and tired and frustrated and mad. At myself mostly.