Sometimes I have a hard time focusing on myself and my own needs. I get so caught up in what other people think I should be doing.. I get scared of letting people down. Today was a really tough day and when I reflect back I realize that I just need to listen to what I want and eventually things will work out. If I go around following everyone else's plans than I'm never going to live a happy and fulfilling life. I don't want to be 50 and miserable.
Along with this I want to focus on being the best person, friend, sister, daughter, girlfriend I can be. I want to be a better person in every way possible, to everyONE possible.. Starting with myself. I think it's time to do some real self searching!
I'm just tired of worrying so much about everyone else.. But I think that this is something that I can't change about myself and I just have to figure out how to find some balance. I also think that this is all a lot easier said than done.
I don't know.. I can't figure out where I'm going with all of this!

TINAAA

(Picture thanks to ASH!)

I'm so incredibly happy and thankful for this guy. He's my best friend in the world and I can't imagine life without him. I guess being around his family this weekend and Rob and Jen, and Ash and Garrett and Parkie made me realize that I'm so ready to settle down and start my life with him. I mean, I think I've known for a while that this was coming but I really feel READY. I'm so so SO looking forward to coming home to him and OUR house and our life. And to traveling and starting a family and getting more dogs (yes please!). And to just settling down. I feel really over the going out scene.. I don't really see the point in it anymore and I guess I just want to grow up and start the rest of my life. I want to come home at night and have a glass of wine and cook dinner and watch the history channel with my dog and my boyfriend and just be boring. I'm so happy being boring!

On the subject of starting.. I start personal training tomorrow and I have a feeling I'm going to get my butt KICKED. We did 15 minutes of tests last week and I could barely laugh without shooting pains in my abs. I'm nervous! I'm ready to get serious about this modeling and getting in shape. I'm giving myself until December down here.. And if things haven't started picking up than I'm moving home. I just feel like that's a good last shot at everything.. Then I'll be able to say that I really focused and tried and gave it my all. I think it's going to be a lot harder than I'm expecting, though. I wish Ian would just move here. Problems solved! I wish it was that easy..

It already smells like rain. It was 70 degrees today and all of the sudden the storm rolled in and I can already smell the rain. I love it.

I'm so lonely. I talk to my friends in SLO and they're all having a great time and partying and doin fun things.. And I think about my life and how all I do is work and sit around this house and I feel really bad about that. I Know I just need to make some LA friends but it's so hard when I'm not in school or working a normal job.
I want to try and take this time and fully dedicate myself to the gym and my body and improving my life mentally and physically. Maybe I'll meet friends at the gym. It's just that I even get jealous of Ian. It's so silly and I can't even believe it but I do!! He told me he's having boys night and when I'd usually be happy for him I just got really down about the fact that I'm going to just have a glass of wine and stay in alone. I wish I was okay with that but I'm just not right now. I really want friends to go out and do fun things with.

I guess things will get better.. He'll move here or I'll move home and things will work themselves out. I just don't know what to do with myself in the meantime! Oye.

I'm so TIRED of everything.

I'm tired of apartment hunting.
The fact that I packed up my whole house b/c I thought I was moving today and now have to UNPACK makes me irritated. The fact that I have THREE days to find a place makes me stressed.
I'm tired of always trying to count on people when everyone just lets me down. How many times have I told myself that the only person I can count on is ME. And how many times do I prove this right.. I can't get it through my head. I'm so frustrated with myself.
What am I going to do? Seriously. I have two days to find a place no money for a deposit and no money saved up. I've screwed myself yet again.
I'm really coming to realize that the only person I can count on is myself. And that's really not saying much. It's so hard when you think you have someone you can count on to help you out and they prove to be quite the opposite.. It's really disappointing.
Realizing that I'm all I have is even scarier.. I really need to get my shit together. I've got to get things working for me MY way.. Which is hard but I need to just come to terms with the fact that this is how it is and this is how it's going to be. And I need to straighten myself up so I can really make this work.

I don't like the person that I am so I'm really trying to change. It's just that bad habits are the hardest to kick and I seem to have a lot of them. I try to look at myself from an outside perspective and I really hate me.. Changing is just so hard but I think I'm ready for it. I think that if I'm able to move out on my own this might just be possible. I think I'm ready to try.
But I've also come to the conclusion that I'm very self destructive (not physically) and this is also something that I'm trying to overcome. I CAN NOT see myself succeed it's something that I've struggled with for a while.. Whenever things are going good I find a way to sabotage them and get myself in some sort of predicament. I think I'm afraid that if I let myself work too hard towards a goal and I fail I'll realize that I'm not really capable of anything and that's something that I'm scared to face. I know I'd rather give up than try and fail at something. That's so wrong.

I'm so angry and tired and frustrated and mad. At myself mostly.

SF

I'm DYING to go up to SF while it's still cold out. Stay in a pretty hotel right in Union Square and shop. I've been wanting to do this for a while.. And with spring coming up, I need to get on it!

Lately all of my friends are moving back to SLO, and although Sara hasn't left yet, I'm already feeling left out and I hate it. It sounds so dumb.. I guess I'm scared that everyones going to become really close and forget about me in LA. And I have no friends here. Actually.. I have Misty, and I really do love hanging out with her. She's a great friend and I feel lucky to have her here with me. I guess I'll just see how it all plays out before I get too upset over it. It's just something that's hard for me not to think about.

It's crazy how much difference just a few months can make in ones life. I feel like, when I was in San Luis, I was in such a different place mentally and physically than I am now. I feel like my move to LA has already helped me grow up so much, and become so much more independent. I do more for my own happiness and health and I just love where I'm at so much more.
I do wish I had more friends down here to go out and experience new things with.. But Ian visits a lot and I'm very lucky for that. We're not that great at making new adventures together.. We're both creatures of habit and like to stay in our comfort zone, but I think he'd be pretty easy to break out of his shell. I wish he wasn't sick today because I'm DYING to go hike.. Oh well, another day I guess!

I went to the Natural Foods and Wellness Expo in Anaheim yesterday. I'm definitely going to go every year.. It was so fun! And I got tons of free swag, including reusable bags that I can take when I walk to the market! (=

BIG MOVE!

I just found out that I get to move into a 1bdrm apartment on the SAME floor of the SAME building I'm in right now!! I'm so excited! And Ian is too, since he's my main mover and all!
It's been so great having a roommate, but I just feel like I'm ready to live alone. I never thought I would be.. It's very strange!

I feel like with having my own place will come a new sense of independence. One I've never felt before. I'm really scared that I'm gonna get super lonely.. Esp my first night alone.. But I think I will be okay. I"ll just need a TV and lots of books around! I know my building is super safe, so hopefully that will help me not be so scared.
I'm mostly excited about my new dog!! I've never really had my own dog, besides Duke who I had to give away when he was still a puppy. I've been contacting shelters down here and I'm going to rescue one.. They even have some who are free! I'm going to get one that's a little bit older, and already trained and has his shots so it takes a little bit of the 'puppy' stress off. I'm not sure I'm ready to train one!

Bernie (above) is the puppy that I REALLY want, although I think she might be a little too big for my place! Keep your fingers crossed for me!!

ALL I WANT

I want to be a part of that whole, entire Smith/Weeks family.
I don't know.. I just woke up this morning and it felt so right. I know that it's what's meant to be. I mean, I've known we were going to get married for a while.. I guess all the sudden I'm just really looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to saying 'my husband'. And to feel that AMAZINGLY huge love for my baby.. I'm ready to have a family.
I'm excited and ready and anxious to have Ian as my best friend for life. (=