Sometimes I have a hard time focusing on myself and my own needs. I get so caught up in what other people think I should be doing.. I get scared of letting people down. Today was a really tough day and when I reflect back I realize that I just need to listen to what I want and eventually things will work out. If I go around following everyone else's plans than I'm never going to live a happy and fulfilling life. I don't want to be 50 and miserable.
Along with this I want to focus on being the best person, friend, sister, daughter, girlfriend I can be. I want to be a better person in every way possible, to everyONE possible.. Starting with myself. I think it's time to do some real self searching!
I'm just tired of worrying so much about everyone else.. But I think that this is something that I can't change about myself and I just have to figure out how to find some balance. I also think that this is all a lot easier said than done.
I don't know.. I can't figure out where I'm going with all of this!

TINAAA

(Picture thanks to ASH!)

I'm so incredibly happy and thankful for this guy. He's my best friend in the world and I can't imagine life without him. I guess being around his family this weekend and Rob and Jen, and Ash and Garrett and Parkie made me realize that I'm so ready to settle down and start my life with him. I mean, I think I've known for a while that this was coming but I really feel READY. I'm so so SO looking forward to coming home to him and OUR house and our life. And to traveling and starting a family and getting more dogs (yes please!). And to just settling down. I feel really over the going out scene.. I don't really see the point in it anymore and I guess I just want to grow up and start the rest of my life. I want to come home at night and have a glass of wine and cook dinner and watch the history channel with my dog and my boyfriend and just be boring. I'm so happy being boring!

On the subject of starting.. I start personal training tomorrow and I have a feeling I'm going to get my butt KICKED. We did 15 minutes of tests last week and I could barely laugh without shooting pains in my abs. I'm nervous! I'm ready to get serious about this modeling and getting in shape. I'm giving myself until December down here.. And if things haven't started picking up than I'm moving home. I just feel like that's a good last shot at everything.. Then I'll be able to say that I really focused and tried and gave it my all. I think it's going to be a lot harder than I'm expecting, though. I wish Ian would just move here. Problems solved! I wish it was that easy..

It already smells like rain. It was 70 degrees today and all of the sudden the storm rolled in and I can already smell the rain. I love it.

I'm so lonely. I talk to my friends in SLO and they're all having a great time and partying and doin fun things.. And I think about my life and how all I do is work and sit around this house and I feel really bad about that. I Know I just need to make some LA friends but it's so hard when I'm not in school or working a normal job.
I want to try and take this time and fully dedicate myself to the gym and my body and improving my life mentally and physically. Maybe I'll meet friends at the gym. It's just that I even get jealous of Ian. It's so silly and I can't even believe it but I do!! He told me he's having boys night and when I'd usually be happy for him I just got really down about the fact that I'm going to just have a glass of wine and stay in alone. I wish I was okay with that but I'm just not right now. I really want friends to go out and do fun things with.

I guess things will get better.. He'll move here or I'll move home and things will work themselves out. I just don't know what to do with myself in the meantime! Oye.