I'm so TIRED of everything.

I'm tired of apartment hunting.
The fact that I packed up my whole house b/c I thought I was moving today and now have to UNPACK makes me irritated. The fact that I have THREE days to find a place makes me stressed.
I'm tired of always trying to count on people when everyone just lets me down. How many times have I told myself that the only person I can count on is ME. And how many times do I prove this right.. I can't get it through my head. I'm so frustrated with myself.
What am I going to do? Seriously. I have two days to find a place no money for a deposit and no money saved up. I've screwed myself yet again.
I'm really coming to realize that the only person I can count on is myself. And that's really not saying much. It's so hard when you think you have someone you can count on to help you out and they prove to be quite the opposite.. It's really disappointing.
Realizing that I'm all I have is even scarier.. I really need to get my shit together. I've got to get things working for me MY way.. Which is hard but I need to just come to terms with the fact that this is how it is and this is how it's going to be. And I need to straighten myself up so I can really make this work.

I don't like the person that I am so I'm really trying to change. It's just that bad habits are the hardest to kick and I seem to have a lot of them. I try to look at myself from an outside perspective and I really hate me.. Changing is just so hard but I think I'm ready for it. I think that if I'm able to move out on my own this might just be possible. I think I'm ready to try.
But I've also come to the conclusion that I'm very self destructive (not physically) and this is also something that I'm trying to overcome. I CAN NOT see myself succeed it's something that I've struggled with for a while.. Whenever things are going good I find a way to sabotage them and get myself in some sort of predicament. I think I'm afraid that if I let myself work too hard towards a goal and I fail I'll realize that I'm not really capable of anything and that's something that I'm scared to face. I know I'd rather give up than try and fail at something. That's so wrong.

I'm so angry and tired and frustrated and mad. At myself mostly.

SF

I'm DYING to go up to SF while it's still cold out. Stay in a pretty hotel right in Union Square and shop. I've been wanting to do this for a while.. And with spring coming up, I need to get on it!

Lately all of my friends are moving back to SLO, and although Sara hasn't left yet, I'm already feeling left out and I hate it. It sounds so dumb.. I guess I'm scared that everyones going to become really close and forget about me in LA. And I have no friends here. Actually.. I have Misty, and I really do love hanging out with her. She's a great friend and I feel lucky to have her here with me. I guess I'll just see how it all plays out before I get too upset over it. It's just something that's hard for me not to think about.

It's crazy how much difference just a few months can make in ones life. I feel like, when I was in San Luis, I was in such a different place mentally and physically than I am now. I feel like my move to LA has already helped me grow up so much, and become so much more independent. I do more for my own happiness and health and I just love where I'm at so much more.
I do wish I had more friends down here to go out and experience new things with.. But Ian visits a lot and I'm very lucky for that. We're not that great at making new adventures together.. We're both creatures of habit and like to stay in our comfort zone, but I think he'd be pretty easy to break out of his shell. I wish he wasn't sick today because I'm DYING to go hike.. Oh well, another day I guess!

I went to the Natural Foods and Wellness Expo in Anaheim yesterday. I'm definitely going to go every year.. It was so fun! And I got tons of free swag, including reusable bags that I can take when I walk to the market! (=

BIG MOVE!

I just found out that I get to move into a 1bdrm apartment on the SAME floor of the SAME building I'm in right now!! I'm so excited! And Ian is too, since he's my main mover and all!
It's been so great having a roommate, but I just feel like I'm ready to live alone. I never thought I would be.. It's very strange!

I feel like with having my own place will come a new sense of independence. One I've never felt before. I'm really scared that I'm gonna get super lonely.. Esp my first night alone.. But I think I will be okay. I"ll just need a TV and lots of books around! I know my building is super safe, so hopefully that will help me not be so scared.
I'm mostly excited about my new dog!! I've never really had my own dog, besides Duke who I had to give away when he was still a puppy. I've been contacting shelters down here and I'm going to rescue one.. They even have some who are free! I'm going to get one that's a little bit older, and already trained and has his shots so it takes a little bit of the 'puppy' stress off. I'm not sure I'm ready to train one!

Bernie (above) is the puppy that I REALLY want, although I think she might be a little too big for my place! Keep your fingers crossed for me!!

ALL I WANT

I want to be a part of that whole, entire Smith/Weeks family.
I don't know.. I just woke up this morning and it felt so right. I know that it's what's meant to be. I mean, I've known we were going to get married for a while.. I guess all the sudden I'm just really looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to saying 'my husband'. And to feel that AMAZINGLY huge love for my baby.. I'm ready to have a family.
I'm excited and ready and anxious to have Ian as my best friend for life. (=

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS

Why the heck is it so hard to stick to New Years resolutions? I feel like every year I make this 'promise' to myself that I'm going to change certain things.. But instead of working on changing them, taking baby steps per se, I just assume that I'll be able to take on that change fully. Immediately start the change without too much effort or faltering.
This year my biggest goal was to stop talking bad about people. And at first I was good, and I would kinda catch myself during/after I was done and try to change what I was saying (or apologize for it if it was too late!). But I'm not sure at what point I forgot about my goal. But I think this is bigger than just a resolution.
I've come to realize that sometimes I talk bad about someone because I'm jealous of something they have. So to deal with it I try to find something bad about them and dwell on it. Well this doesn't make me feel any bettter about myself.. So really, what's the point? They don't hear what I'm saying so it doesn't make them more insecure (which wasn't even my goal in the first place), it doesn't change the fact that I lag in that department (usually it's confidence - over-confidence in my opinion..) but really.. WHAT.IS.THE.POINT.
The thing is that this really is something that's easier said than done.
A lot of the times I talk bad about people that I don't even really know. They could be wonderful friends, siblings, students.. But I still find shallow, insignificant things to dwell on, and quite frankly, drive myself crazy over. I have GOT to get over this. I'm really going to try hard. What's the point on judging someone I know nothing about? I'm not doing either of us a favor? It's shallow and immature and petty and somethin I desperately want to get over. I just wonder what it's going to take. Some growing up on my part I guess. I guess I need to become truly happy with myself, maybe if I focus more on the things I like about myself and MY life I will stop thinking about others more.
Maybe that's it.. Maybe I need to focus more on me. Every time I start to have a bad thought about someone I should change it into a positive thought about myself? That sounds kinda silly.
And I'm over dwellin on it. Less typing, more action!

Some other goals I have yet to accomplish this year:
-Become a better saver ($$$)
-Make new friends
-Become more secure with myself/more outgoing

SOME THINGS I HAVE:
-Attempt vegetarianism (I like it better, actually.)
-Sign with a SECOND agency (!!)
-Become more financially independent (yay me!)
-Party less (it becomes overrated when you stop, I swear!)
-Enrich my relationships with others (I'm working so much harder to become a better sister/friend/girlfriend - and I love it)

UPDATE!

I haven't blogged in a while! I figured I should update.
My life's not so interesting any more since I've stopped being such a wild child.. But I love where I'm at more than I ever have. Last weekend Kimmy was here and we spent a day in Long Beach at her friend Jessica's birthday, and an evening with her grandparents in San Pedro. They already feel like family to me, and I get so sad everytime we leave their house. I always want to stay the night.. Weird? It's just how it is.
We hiked Runyon Canyon and it KICKED MY BUTT. I thought I was in better shape than that but I had to stop, like, 3 times because I thought I was going to throw up. But I felt great after.. And I felt like pushed myself to a physical limit that I didn't know I had! Such a high, and what a workout!!
Ian just left this morning and things with us are better than ever. He's so wonderful, and I'm so lucky to have him in my life. He really is my best friend, and every day I look forward to spending the rest of my life with him.

I signed with a new agency yesterday called IModel and Talent. I'm really excited about them, and I'm excited to hopefully start casting/working A LOT. Fingers crossed!
Sara put in her 30 days so I'm desperately hunting for a new place.. I'm sure things will fall into place, but I can't help but be a bit stressed. I'm going to be living alone for the first time so I figure what better than to buy a puppy! I'll have my full attention to devote to him/her, and I'll appreciate the company and security!

That's all for now.. No deep thoughts, as I have to get back to apartment hunting!

Peace and love!