I'm so TIRED of everything.

I'm tired of apartment hunting.
The fact that I packed up my whole house b/c I thought I was moving today and now have to UNPACK makes me irritated. The fact that I have THREE days to find a place makes me stressed.
I'm tired of always trying to count on people when everyone just lets me down. How many times have I told myself that the only person I can count on is ME. And how many times do I prove this right.. I can't get it through my head. I'm so frustrated with myself.
What am I going to do? Seriously. I have two days to find a place no money for a deposit and no money saved up. I've screwed myself yet again.
I'm really coming to realize that the only person I can count on is myself. And that's really not saying much. It's so hard when you think you have someone you can count on to help you out and they prove to be quite the opposite.. It's really disappointing.
Realizing that I'm all I have is even scarier.. I really need to get my shit together. I've got to get things working for me MY way.. Which is hard but I need to just come to terms with the fact that this is how it is and this is how it's going to be. And I need to straighten myself up so I can really make this work.

I don't like the person that I am so I'm really trying to change. It's just that bad habits are the hardest to kick and I seem to have a lot of them. I try to look at myself from an outside perspective and I really hate me.. Changing is just so hard but I think I'm ready for it. I think that if I'm able to move out on my own this might just be possible. I think I'm ready to try.
But I've also come to the conclusion that I'm very self destructive (not physically) and this is also something that I'm trying to overcome. I CAN NOT see myself succeed it's something that I've struggled with for a while.. Whenever things are going good I find a way to sabotage them and get myself in some sort of predicament. I think I'm afraid that if I let myself work too hard towards a goal and I fail I'll realize that I'm not really capable of anything and that's something that I'm scared to face. I know I'd rather give up than try and fail at something. That's so wrong.

I'm so angry and tired and frustrated and mad. At myself mostly.